The Pity Invitation

Kendall's brother was getting married. She expected to be invited to her future sister-in-law's bachelorette party. She wasn't. 

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Transcript

Michael Lee: [00:00:00] When We Disagree is a show about arguments, how we have them, why we have them, and their impact on our relationships and ourselves. Have you ever been in a disagreement with yourself? If I'm being honest, I feel like I've been in hundreds, and maybe even this week. Some of these self debates we have are long term and cover seismic issues, changing jobs, relationships, money, our beliefs.

Some of these are more everyday. Should I have this or that for dinner? Should I go to the gym? Should I call my parents? Should The hallmark of any good disagreement, the back and forth giving of reasons, is present in all of these big and small debates. And my experience of these self debates is pretty contradictory.

On the one hand, they can be frustrating, even incapacitating. It's hard to make a decision and stick to it amid the volley of reasons. On the other hand, reason giving, and just as important, actually listening to and considering reasons, Is a sign that you [00:01:00] care and want to make a good decision, not just to make a quick decision and stick your head in the sand and pretend the issue is resolved.

I'm Michael Lee, professor of communication and director of the civility initiative at the college of Charleston. Our guest on when we disagree today is Kendall from New Jersey. Kendall, tell us an argument story. 

Kendall Cardinale: So this was actually recently last week, my brother did not re he proposed to his fiance. I love her.

They've been dating for a while. Like, I'd say about four years. Um, my other older brother, they're both in their 30s, well 30, like young, 30 and 31. Um, my other brother also proposed to his girlfriend in September, so they're like back to back, really close in age too. But um, she, yeah. Was planning her bachelorette party like for a while now And I like always assumed I was invited same with my [00:02:00] brother's fiancee, you know Just cuz like I'm the one brother.

I mean, I'm the one sister. That's like blood related You know what? I mean? And like I we we have like this good bond She was just here for my 21st birthday and we were having so much fun And first of all, she didn't bring this up then which is crazy. This was February During those weekends and I like assumed the whole time I was saying to my brother who's 20 turning 23 I was like, there's no way I'm invited to this bachelorette party.

She hasn't brought it up to me recently and it's February now I know it's coming up in the summer because they're getting married in October I'm like waiting to hear from it and still didn't get it. So then my brother Cameron ends up texting my other brother Brandon. I'm the only girl in the family, sorry this is like kind of all over the place.

And um, he goes, is Kendall going to this bachelorette party? We're like, what's up? And he basically is like, Where are you guys, like, coming up with this question? Like, is Kendall bringing this up to [00:03:00] you? No, no, no. Like, we were just talking about it. And I was, like, kind of mad at him at first for even bringing this up.

I'm like, why are you, like, talking to him about this when we were talking about this just between us two? But meanwhile, Abby ends up texting me, my brother's fiancee, and was like, hey, Kendall, just wanted to let you know I'm gonna have a bachelorette party in New Jersey. That is 20 minutes away from your house with just my friends.

So, uh, I was like, okay, like, that's fine. On the text, this is just text message. I said, okay, at blank, I love you. It's okay. And, um, I was like hurt, this was just like, I don't know, like we're close, we're friends, gonna be sisters, like we have a lot of memories together already, and I'm not invited, I just turned 21 too, so you can't do the underage thing, so [00:04:00] I'm just like, I was hurt, and I didn't want to say it to her because like, I'm not gonna fight her on it, I don't want a petty invite at this point, so I went to my brother.

A week later, not even a week later, maybe like four days and I was just like, hey, I'm like upset about this And he's like, I get it. Like I get why you're upset. I feel like this should have been brought up earlier But like there's nothing we can do about it I was like low key even expecting him to be like come to the bachelor party Like you're the only sister in the family just come, you know But yeah, that's the disagreement there my and my other sister soon to be sister in law is also not invited So we're both just in the dust.

She's not going to be invited. My other sister in law is now saying that blank won't be invited to her bachelorette, her bridal or her 30th. So 

Michael Lee: let me get the back up to get a full lay of the family land here, the Lannisters and all the [00:05:00] interbetweens you have two brothers. 

Kendall Cardinale: Three, but two that are both getting engaged.

Michael Lee: Two brothers who are getting married imminently. You are close with both future sister in laws. Yes. One sister in law is having a bachelorette party in New Jersey 20 minutes from your house. And is not inviting you nor her other future sister in law. 

Kendall Cardinale: We got it. 

Michael Lee: Okay. Have you ever in your whole life gotten a text from somebody in any context that says, Hey, there's this thing going on close to your house that you think you might be invited to, but just to clarify, you're not invited.

Kendall Cardinale: Never in my life, honestly, no. 

Michael Lee: And how, what did you think when you got the text? Because it sounds like you already knew this was a thing that you were not in right when I saw 

Kendall Cardinale: it, I was like, fucking knew it. I don't know if I can curse in here. I was like, knew it and text my. Brother who's closest to me the 23 year old and was like told you so and he was like no Fucking way you're kidding me [00:06:00] like this is crazy You're the only sister not even counting the soon to be sister in law But like of course we're counting her in the whole situation 

Michael Lee: So just and to clarify too in terms of just the argument and the sense of who you're having a dispute with obviously you're having a dispute about a What sounds to me like a social Inactive exclusion of faux pas.

Kendall Cardinale: It could go two ways. I think 

Michael Lee: yeah and also but you're also You had an exchange of reasons with your brother Yeah, you said i'm upset about this and he said there's nothing that can be done. 

Kendall Cardinale: Yeah Yeah, I was like I can't even get a petty invite like I don't even want a petty invite Yeah, he was like you're not even gonna get one 

Michael Lee: Well, what's your attitude towards that generally broadening scope a little bit because I've been in situate I'm sure we all have where we're on the outside of something looking in and think Think we're gonna be included just de facto like this is a thing I'm in the orbit of this thing and so obviously I'm gonna get an invite and then we don't get an invite and then half of us feels like Well, I want to be [00:07:00] there because I should be there and maybe it's gonna be fun and the other half feels like well Screw you.

You don't want me then. I don't want you. Yeah, how do you feel towards that like a heart of heart? Would you want the pity invite or not? 

Kendall Cardinale: honestly, I would love the petty invite just because like it's just like it's not like a f you like, you know, Like at least like I if it makes you upset Here's the petty invite like at least you get the petty I would have said no Anyway, if I got the petty invite, you know, like I don't want to be there now 

Michael Lee: You want the option?

I would have loved to be 

Kendall Cardinale: there. Yeah, but 

Michael Lee: You can't fire me, I quit. 

Kendall Cardinale: Yeah, exactly. 

Michael Lee: Describe your relationship with your sister in law generally. 

Kendall Cardinale: I love her, she's really cool. I even went, I'm a transfer. Okay. From colleges. I went to Manhattan College first. Okay. And um, her brother is in my grade. Okay. And we were friends even then.

So like we, we have a relationship and like she came to visit us there, uh, with my brother. [00:08:00] 

Michael Lee: Can you see the world through at least? Oh, and by the way, go ahead. Sorry to, yeah, 

Kendall Cardinale: her brother's going to my brother's bachelor party. 

Michael Lee: Well, that's an interesting factor, isn't it? That's like a 

Kendall Cardinale: big part too. So I texted him.

I'm like, also in my text to my brother at first, telling him when I was upset before we had a phone call, I was like, it could also be the fact that Joe's going to yours. Like, 

Michael Lee: Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah, it's not reciprocal. 

Kendall Cardinale: No. 

Michael Lee: Can you see the world or at least this bachelorette party through her eyes? No, 

Kendall Cardinale: I totally can too.

I can. So like that's why like I do feel both ways like I She wants to spend it with her best friends. It's her 30th also that weekend 

Michael Lee: Oh, it's a double birthday party slash bachelorette party, 

Kendall Cardinale: but like also like I can't go to one day It's like 20 minutes from my house, you know, how many 

Michael Lee: days is it?

Kendall Cardinale: Probably three 

Michael Lee: So you can just doing the turn taking you can kind of put your sister in [00:09:00] law's Glasses on and see the world the way that she wants to see the world and say that this is a Special going away party slash 30th birthday party with a core friend group perhaps and not 

Kendall Cardinale: I mean, I guess but like, um In traditional bachelorette parties, so i'm just like talking traditional wise, which I would have mine Traditionally too.

I'm sure yours is pretty traditional. We don't need to talk about that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay Well, like I just think that the sister or brother should be invited You

Michael Lee: How do you think this will affect your relationship? 

Kendall Cardinale: And my brother also said, he's like, I don't know if you've like seen, but like recent like bachelorette parties, like it's 2024, like not the siblings are invited. I'm like, bro, I don't know what you're seeing, but like the ones I see are the ones with the siblings too.

Michael Lee: There's a deep boxy moron to talk about bachelor and bachelorette party etiquette, frankly. How do you think this will affect your relationship going forward? 

Kendall Cardinale: Honestly, I'm a little nervous. Because she [00:10:00] texted me recently, she was like, I'm like, kind of, I'm like upset that you texted, you talked to Brandon first when you have an issue with me and I answered back, like, it wasn't really an issue with you.

I was just upset. Yeah. I wouldn't call it an issue. And she answered back, like, I know it was an issue, but like, we're, we're going to be sisters. And like, I love you so much. I'm like, I can't wait to make awesome new memories with you and stuff. 

Michael Lee: So there was a brief exchange of. Feelings of being upset, her and you, and then a reaffirmation of your mutual love for one another.

Kendall Cardinale: Yeah, but like I, I think it's still gonna be maybe a little weird at first. 

Michael Lee: Kendall, thank you so much for being on When We Disagree. 

Kendall Cardinale: Thank you. 

Michael Lee: When We Disagree is recorded at the College of Charleston with creator and host Michael Lee. Recording and sound engineering by Jesse Kunz and Lance Laidlaw.

Reach out to us at whenwedisagree [00:11:00] at gmail. com.