How important is a white lie in a romantic relationship?
Tell us your argument stories!
How important is a white lie in a romantic relationship?
Tell us your argument stories!
Michael Lee: [00:00:00] When We Disagree is a show about arguments, how we have them, why we have them, and their impact on our relationships and ourselves.
This show is a showcase for stories of disagreements, disputes we had that were so important that we kept thinking about them weeks, months, even years after their conclusions. The topics, Relationship, Work, Money, Ideology vary, but their impact on us, ourselves concepts, and the world we live in. Our relationships, our lives is powerful.
I'm Michael Lee, Professor of Communication and Director of the Civility Initiative at the College of Charleston. Today's guest is Sophia, a student from Minnesota. Sophia, tell us an argument story.
Sophia: Hi. Um, so this happened not too long ago. It was probably like three weeks ago. Not very long [00:01:00] at all. Um, I have a long distance boyfriend.
He's in the Navy and, um, we've just had not had a lot of time to talk, you know, he's got a lot of stuff to do. And so most of our talk is just quick stuff here and there between his job and between my classes. And, um, I don't know what happened. We, um, we were just talking and for some reason I, um, didn't want him to know that I hadn't responded to him because I was watching TikTok because I have this like unhealthy obsession with TikTok and like, I know I need to like, slow down my watching.
And so he's like, he texted me and he's said, um, Respond to me, stop watching TikTok. And I responded back, I was like, I was not watching TikTok. You can't say that I was. I was actually doing homework. And he's like, no, I, you sent me a video on TikTok literally [00:02:00] a minute ago. I know you were on there. And I was like, oh, yeah, I was on TikTok, um, and he's like, why'd you lie to me?
And I was like, well, I, it was a little lie. I don't consider those bad lies. It was a little lie to protect, protect a little bit of my dignity, um, try to, Make myself not see how bad it is, how much I'm on TikTok and, um, he kind of, he got pretty upset about this. He's like, I don't like any type of lies, not big, little, um, anything like that.
And I was like, I think some lies are okay, even like little ones like that. I shouldn't have lied, but I don't think it was horrible of me. And I He really views it as, um, like, totally going against, like, the truth, being totally untruthful and kind of, I, I don't know exactly how he saw it, but [00:03:00] how I was viewing what he was saying, which is probably wrong, he probably wasn't thinking this, but I was viewing him, um, saying that I was completely a liar, completely, like, wrong, very, like, not a good person, so I kind of got heated, I was, like, It was a little lie.
It doesn't matter that much and I got really defensive and, um, we, I'm a very avoidant person. I don't really like conflict, so I kind of just stopped talking from there. And, um, yeah, Just stopped talking, talked to him later, um, and just talked to him later and just pretended that it didn't happen. But it stuck with me for so long because now each time I replay it in my head I'm like, he kind of makes sense because, I mean, who knows where it could snowball from there if I told like little lies like that.
And then I think to myself like, what lies are then okay? Because I know there's some lies, you know, [00:04:00] like You know, if you say someone looks really good when they really like their outfit, but you don't think it's that good, I think that's an okay lie, if they're really confident in their outfit and you really like it, but yeah, I don't know where kind of the line is for those little lies like that.
And you were
Michael Lee: hashing this out in real time with a significant other, that you both have a different relationship. To lying the process of lying the appropriateness of certain lies with you if I'm hearing you right you're saying Some lies are okay. Therefore me lying to you that I wasn't on tick tock, even though you totally busted me Oh, yeah, it's not a big deal and him saying no We have to hold the line against all lies because where does it stop?
Is that a fair recreation of what happened? Yeah,
Sophia: that's completely what happened. And I do think some of this comes from Like our backgrounds like he's his family's pretty religious pretty like christian all that stuff where um, You know, it's totally like [00:05:00] against the 10 commandments. You can't tell any lies Um, where my family is, we went to church pretty regularly when I was a kid, but slowly we started going less and less.
So we're, we believe in like God and like Christianity and stuff like that, but we aren't as strong and upholding those beliefs as other Christians and Catholics and all of those people are. So I think that I kind of bend the rules a little when in my interpretation of like organized religion, Christianity.
All that stuff while he's pretty firm in his beliefs and all that and can we go back briefly
Michael Lee: to the the origin of the dispute which was This is via text I assume.
Sophia: Yeah. Well, we we text on snapchat you text us, of course,
Michael Lee: so You had a Snapchat interaction where he's been saying you're not being responsive because I know you're on another app on TikTok and then you have delayed but you've already sent him a video which is really incriminating of what you're [00:06:00] actually doing.
You're not doing your homework or studying or whatever and then you lie and say no I'm doing my homework in order to, you said, protect your dignity. Talk that out a little bit.
Sophia: Yeah, I um, I forget. I just, because TikTok you know it's so um The videos are happening in like three seconds, ten seconds.
You're just flipping through it all. So I kind of forget what I do and I send him the video. I send him a bunch of videos all the time. Yeah. And I forgot that totally. And then when he's like, you're on TikTok, I was like, well, I'm not always on TikTok. Like I do do other things. I just send you a lot of videos because I like you to see what I'm seeing.
Um, and so I got kind of, kind of defensive because I didn't want him to like. I don't think that I'm always on TikTok. I'm not doing other things. Like I, because that's a, one of the things also from my childhood, I think, is I liked movies, TV shows, books, all that stuff. And my mom would always say that I was lazy.
I wasn't [00:07:00] doing enough. What I was supposed to and I was a good student I would get my work done and it always made me feel bad when she thought the only thing that I was doing Was watching these shows Um reading these books and just taking up all of my time and wasting it on this stuff And so I kind of like maybe brought that back.
I don't know Um where I like didn't want him to think that like I'm, just lazy watching these tiktok videos all the time not doing homework not doing actual work and Yeah.
Michael Lee: Where did it resolve? Did you, you said that you kind of stopped the initial conversation where there had been a comeuppance about the lie, and how big a deal the lie was or wasn't, and then you stopped talking and then came back to it a little while later and didn't really address it again.
Yeah. Has it come up again?
Sophia: No, it hasn't. We, I'm hoping to go to therapy for this. Um, but I,
Michael Lee: for the, for the tick tock, no,
Sophia: for, for just like [00:08:00] my personality and like being avoidant and all of these types of situations. Cause I will just sweep things under the rug. So in that, like, I kind of like, before I stopped talking to him, I was like, kind of trying to calm him down and trying to like, Stop the situation from going on and then when it was like still we were still kind of talking about it I kind of stopped responding and then later when I Went back to talk to him.
I just completely talked about a different subject. We didn't really address it again Um, and really the only development That's happened, and it has been in my mind, just thinking about, like, where he's coming from, where, um, the line is, like I was talking about, and how these little lies, like, snowball.
Michael Lee: Let me ask you about your relationship to the lie. Not necessarily that lie, but all lies. Can you envision, or at least the way you rationalize it, when you were arguing with your boyfriend? And even [00:09:00] here today, I hear you saying, there are some circumstances in which what we'd call white lies are not a big deal.
Hey, that's a really cute baby. I really like your outfit, even if maybe I don't like the outfit so much. Yeah. Lies to protect yourself, your dignity. Lies to protect another. How do you, how did you rationalize this one, or how do you rationalize this, versus ones that are outright committing objective harm to you or others?
Sophia: Yeah, uh, for this one, in the moment, I was rationalizing it as like, it's not that big of a deal, like, If I give this little lie, I mean, he's not going to know any different, obviously. I didn't realize that he did know something different. Um, but, um, yeah, I was just rationalizing it as, you know, it's not hurting anyone.
Just to say this, it's just raising my dignity a little, boosting my ego. Um, and, yeah, rather than, like, other lies where, like, if you're lying about it and they find out, [00:10:00] like, That's going to cause them to feel bad or something like that.
Michael Lee: Yeah.
Sophia: And
Michael Lee: Did you How did you feel when he said You said, I'm doing my homework.
I'm not on TikTok. He said, you literally just sent me a video. I know what you're doing. And then you said, or what did you feel then?
Sophia: Well, what I felt then, cause It's hard to, you know, read someone's emotions through text. So I was like, Oh, he caught me. I'm busted. You know, like not really thinking much of it.
Like, Oh, he knew I was on Tik TOK. I sent him a video, but then when he started going deeper, like, I don't like that you lied to me like that. I was like getting defensive. Like, it's not that big of a deal to me. Like, I just see that as like a little flippant, like, Oh, I just, I was like there, I was lying a little bit, but yeah.
And he saw it as like, this big thing that probably needs to be addressed.
Michael Lee: Has this happened before?
Sophia: Not really. No, this is the first time I think. So that's why I think I was a little caught off guard with his [00:11:00] response too. Cause this is the first time we've like dealt with something like this.
Michael Lee: That's right.
The first time you've ever handled. The importance or lack thereof of any lie, a white lie or a worse one. What about your argument styles? It sounds like he was a little more direct in that moment. Like, hey, I caught you lying and I'm super mad about it. You described yourself as being a little more avoidant.
How do you hash that out generally in your relationship?
Sophia: Um, We typically try to, I think he's kind of avoidant too sometimes, but in that moment he really wanted to talk it out, like explain why he felt that way. And in that moment I was pretty defensive and pretty like, oh I don't want to like deal with this right now.
Cause I was just, it was like the middle of the day, I had work to do later on, and like, I didn't want to have the emotions from this affect anything else. So I was just trying to like, stop it, and he was trying to like, talk it out, and like, trying to explain everything, and why he felt this was wrong. [00:12:00] And, yeah.
Michael Lee: He keeps giving reasons, keeps giving reasons, keeps wanting to engage, you keep Yeah. Wanting to stop reasons and find reasons to disengage. Yeah. Pretty
Sophia: much.
Michael Lee: And there doesn't have to be a neat, tidy answer to this, and so often there aren't, but as you recount the story and think about this on When We Disagree, what's the lesson for you?
And what do you think the lesson is from this instance for him?
Sophia: Um, the lesson for me, I think, is basically I don't, Cause I didn't even think about it too much when I just said, Oh, I was not watching TikTok. I was doing something else. I didn't think about it that much. I just, it was two seconds. I typed that out and I sent it.
Um, and then think about. How it was actually like a big, like, not a big, but like a lie and I just, I guess maybe I'd like need to focus more on like what I do usually during my day and see if like there's any other instances where I do things like that. [00:13:00] And I don't know what the lesson is for him, but like maybe, um, you know.
Just finding more out about me and um, kind of trying to see my point of view of the little lies and how they're not as bad as those big lies that can hurt other people. Um, but I don't know if he caught that or not because I really didn't explain it very well.
Michael Lee: Sophia, thanks so much for coming on When We Disagree.
Sophia: Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
Michael Lee: When We Disagree is recorded at the College of Charleston with creator and host Michael Lee. Recording and sound engineering by Jesse Kunz and Lance Laidlaw. When We Reach out to us at whenwedisagreeatgmail. com