What happens when a self-described "positive person" lives with a "negative person?"
Tell us your argument stories!
What happens when a self-described "positive person" lives with a "negative person?"
Tell us your argument stories!
Michael Lee: [00:00:00] When We Disagree is a show about arguments, how we have them, why we have them, and their impact on our relationships and ourselves.
We have a lot on the line during disagreements. We are obviously arguing about something, some idea, some behavior, but we are also putting ourselves Our egos, our relationships at risk. At least it can feel that way. But on the flip side, we might be deepening our relationships, saving them through conflict.
This podcast explores the role of disagreements in our lives, one story at a time. I'm Michael Lee, professor of communication and director of the civility initiative at the college of Charleston. Today's guest is Brooke Marquez, a softball player and graduate student. Tell us an argument story.
Brooke: Hi. Thank you for having me.
And so my argument story goes back way back to my freshman year in college. Um, I, it was actually the summer going into it. And so the reason why I was there the summer before my freshman year is because I was playing softball. I had my undergraduate at Notre Dame [00:01:00] and, um, I got injured. And so I was playing with the mice.
Senior season in high school. And so I had the opportunity to go, um, play and train and get better and before the semester started. And so I was super excited. And I was going to be rooming with a softball teammate as well, who was also recovering from an injury. Um, both injuries, pretty serious, needed surgery for both.
So, it was really cool. I was excited to go through, um, that process of getting better, healing, um, and learning an entirely new environment with a future teammate. Um, and so, it started off really well. And kind of going through that whole semester, which was about six to seven weeks, uh, we kind of noticed that we didn't have very similar mindsets that matched up.
And so I think this was about three to four weeks in and We had had some little classic [00:02:00] roommate tiffs. Neither of us had lived with other people besides our families, so, um, thought that was all normal, but I remember us walking back from, I think it was just physical therapy to obviously heal our injuries.
And, um, we, I, she started being very, very negative. And, I am a big proponent of just being positive positivity. Um, I think it really feeds into your everyday life. Um, and how you live your life and how you impact others. And so I was always a big proponent of being as positive as you can. Obviously, everything in your life is not on earth.
And so make the most out of what you can is how I try to live by. Um, and one day we were walking back and she was saying a lot of negative things about how nobody understands her and how her injury is, um, Really taking a toll on her, which is totally understandable. So I tried to resonate with her, [00:03:00] telling her, I understand, like, I'm not able to play either.
I haven't been able to play for months. And, um, just try and get on that same level with her, show her some empathy and sympathy because we are going through very similar situations. And she kept telling me, you know, like, I don't, like, you don't understand either. And so I think it was just her being in a rough spot, which I tried to understand.
But, and then she started saying. You know, I hate how you're always so positive, like it's the worst thing ever. And I was like, Really? Like, why? Like, I couldn't understand why because I've never been told that before. Um, and she kept telling me, like, this doesn't make sense. Like, you, you don't understand what I'm going through as I'm telling her we're going through similar situations.
Different injuries, obviously, but similar situations circumstantially. And I think, you know, It was really interesting. We kind of were just going back and forth, and I was telling her, I think if you were more positive, you would even find that you [00:04:00] would heal better in your injury. You would find more, um, progress in your own, um, personal, physical, softball, um, Athletic endeavors.
And so, um, she really wasn't hearing me and it was really interesting to try and get her to be on my side. And in that moment, it was kind of a hidden moment. So I did not get her to understand the positive aspect and what benefits can come from it. But later on, Down the road, honestly, like a year or two later, we went through COVID.
She had another injury. Um, and she honestly kind of realized that she was the one holding herself back. And so we had a really good conversation going. I can't remember the exact time frame, but I think it was a year or two later. I think more of going into our junior year in college that, um, It made a lot big diff it made a really big difference with, [00:05:00] um, her mindset shift and she's doing really well now.
She ended up medically retiring from softball, so, uh, due to later injuries later on. Not the first injury, but injuries later on. Um, so she did not have an easy go at softball in, uh, But, um, she has learned to make the best out of what she was given, especially due to her, um, injuries and, um, troubles there.
And so I think we're friends still to this day. We were teammates for a point in time. And so it was really cool to kind of see. That growth. And, um, I'm still a big proponent of being a positive influence to others. And I've been trying to implement that into my time here.
Michael Lee: Let's talk about negativity and positivity, both as mindsets, as well as communication topics, determining what you say, how you say, who you say it to.
So [00:06:00] you, you were describing her negative mindset and how that showed up for her. She was alienating you, maybe she was talking about her playing time, maybe she was talking about her injury taking too long, or the pain she was in, so really focusing on how she was struggling in the moment in a lot of different ways.
How did positivity, or how does this idea of positivity show up for you, both as a mindset as well as What you might say either to yourself out loud or to others.
Brooke: Yeah, I think for me personally, when I feel like I'm being negative, it feels as though I'm being also selfish. Because I'm thinking a lot about myself, my feelings, and putting them above the people around me and not taking things outside of myself into consideration.
And, um, we had a mindset coach for my team in undergrad and one of the really big proponent, big things that she, um, said was the brain doesn't know no. And so if you're being negative, telling yourself [00:07:00] different things, like if you'd say, Oh, don't swing at this pitch in softball, but you're going to picture yourself swinging that pitch.
And so that was kind of like another light bulb moment for me to always say positive things or affirmations more than, Oh, don't do this. Oh, I can't believe like I'm. I'm injured right now be like I can't wait to get better. I can't wait to heal. I'm excited to work out I'm excited to Do some rehab to fix my injury and so just changing the narrative and kind of switching That from like just how you talk to yourself It's better like you would never talk to other people how you talk to yourself, and it's really Being kind to yourself and being kind to others.
It's just super important I think
Michael Lee: what does it feel like as somebody who identifies very strongly with this positivity mindset or positivity [00:08:00] communication style? What did it feel like to you or what it does it feel like to you when somebody is? Really speaking negatively about themselves or others. Is that something that grates on you?
You find it, is it more of it's irritating or if it's threatening? Take us through what it feels like.
Brooke: Yeah, I don't think it's irritating at all. I think it's just more so me knowing they don't understand how Switching that narrative could benefit them And it's not easy to do, it's really, really easy to fall back on the negative mindset, the negative self talk, um, and I notice that a lot with just, um, Like, people I encounter day to day, like, it's really easy to just be negative, be like, Oh man, like, it's, it's cold today, or just not finding the good, good things in life, because, um, I mean, it's just so much better when you do.
Michael Lee: So you identify very much with positivity. I imagine she didn't identify very much with [00:09:00] negativity. Maybe she was being negative in the moment, per your judgment. Yeah. She's not walking around the street saying, well, I'm a negative person. And therefore I think and say the following things. What did she think she was doing in your mind?
Brooke: Um, I think she was coming from a place of nobody understood her. She felt kind of alone, I think. And so that came. out as negativity and it was her trying to not be alone, I think, which, but she was in not just not a great place. She was struggling. And so also being away from home the first time probably couldn't have helped.
And so I think That was kind of a, a big proponent of it. Um, but she honestly, she knew she was being negative. And at that moment, she didn't want to be positive because it was harder to be positive when she was going through tough times. And so she kind of resulted to the easier [00:10:00] route to dwell on what.
What's going wrong in her life versus, um, focus on what is good and what can be good. Um, so yeah, I think she knew she was being negative in that moment. Um, But she just chose to take that easier route.
Michael Lee: Why do you say it's easier to take that route?
Brooke: I just think as like human nature, we, a lot of people fall back on the negativity, um, route.
I think being positive is not as easy.
Michael Lee: It takes effort, but there's something in our, in our nature as human beings that compels us towards negative thoughts, negativity bias?
Brooke: Yeah. Yeah. And not saying that I'm never negative or don't have negative thoughts, but I think it takes an active effort to change those and change that narrative, um, just so it can help me and my morale and my, um, outlook on the things [00:11:00] I'm doing every day.
Michael Lee: Do you think that the positivity bias, for lack of a better word, is something that actually helped you both physically heal as well as mentally adjust to a new and difficult life?
Brooke: Yeah, I mean, 100%. I just think that, I mean, they tell you, like, just smiling can be, like, make you happier. And so, I just think it's so important.
It's interesting why people wouldn't try and make that an active effort, or thing that they do every single day. Like, they choose, you choose to do so many things throughout the day. Like, why not smile to somebody on the sidewalk? Why not, um, find the good in the weather? Whether it's cold or super hot.
Like, be thankful it's not, um, Like, there's just like so many little things and I think, um, there's only so many things you can control in this life and what we do in your everyday, [00:12:00] um, life. So I think just choosing to, See, the best parts of your everyday life can just make a huge impact.
Michael Lee: This is obviously something that was really impactful for you and it helped you adjust to a difficult circumstance, your injury, a new environment at Notre Dame, a new roommate who you were struggling with mindset differences with, and all sorts of stuff.
Can you envision a scenario in which a positivity mindset could be a hindrance?
Brooke: Yeah, I think, honestly, I've seen that. At times being in a team sport, you're around a lot of the same girls, a lot of the same time. Um, and not everyone thinks the same, but as a team, you have to have a common goal. And, um, there are times to obviously be, um, very positive, encouraging, and there's times to reflect on what went bad.
And there's times, um, to realize what is going wrong so that you can work from the ground up and fix those things. Um, so I think there's definitely times where. [00:13:00] Being overly positive, over encouraging, just isn't going to help, um, especially when there's improvement to do. Um, it's really Good. I think to sometimes just take a neutral stance, take a step back and see, um, what the reality of the situation is and kind of assess what needs to be given at this at the same time.
Um, I think some situations they need to be Um, either sometimes you need to be hypercritical in a situation because there's certain things that need to be changed. Other times a person just needs some words of encouragement. So I think it's definitely situational, um, but really taking a step back and noticing what each situation does need is really important.
Michael Lee: Brooke Marquez. Thank you very much for being on When We Disagree. Thank you.
When We Disagree is recorded at the College of Charleston with creator and [00:14:00] host Michael Lee. Recording and sound engineering by Jesse Kunz and Lance Laidlaw. Reach out to us at whenwedisagree at gmail. com